When I first started recovery 11 years ago, I was a chronic relapser. Relapsing brought me so much shame. It took 3 years of meetings and step work before I could gain any significant clean time. I felt hopeless during those years.
Relapsing doesn’t need to be a taboo topic. And we don’t need to let a relapse bring on a shame spiral. In recent years, I’ve learned a new approach to relapsing, and that’s what I want to talk about.
My best friend often talks about “running the experiment.” And what is recovery if not an ongoing experiment to figure out how to be healthy? We try new things, observe the results, and adjust as we go. I used to think that a relapse meant I was failing at recovery, but that’s not accurate. A relapse means that I need more tools in my sobriety toolbox, and it’s my responsibility to take action and find new things that will work for me.
In addition to meetings, step work, and meeting with a sponsor, I needed therapy, medication, the fellowship, fun, and spiritual practices that work for me. All these things take time to develop, and it’s difficult when we feel we’re competing with Time to gain sobriety. In the beginning, I stopped counting clean days because it was messing with my head; I wasn’t focused on living healthily as much as being able to report my day count at meetings. I don’t mean to recommend this to anyone, but it is something that helped me avoid shame.
Relapse Inventory
When I relapse, I conduct a relapse inventory. I backtrack from the relapse and recount what happened before; I develop a timeline leading up to the relapse to identify my “point of no return” and to identify my experiences and related emotions leading up to the relapse. What could I have done differently? What can I identify as a “danger zone?” Is there something I need to add to my middle circle?
Self-Compassion
I also need to practice radical self-compassion. Affirmations help me with this, such as, “I am doing the best I can in this moment,” “I am capable of change and transformation,” “I am working hard and the benefits are coming my way,” and “I am deserving of good things.” The more I say them, the more I believe them. If it’s something that I think is true for other people, then it must be true for myself also; I am not so special to be the only person who doesn’t deserve love or understanding. That is one expression of pride, and I can work to surrender it.
Talk About It
After a relapse, I need to talk with my recovery fellows about it. I can set a reasonable deadline for myself, such as, “I will tell my sponsor within 24 hours of acting out.” We don’t want to wait too long to bring it into the light, because the longer that it is a secret, the more damage it can do to our self-esteem and recovery. We especially need support after a relapse, and that is what our fellows are there for. They can help get us into a better state of mind. They can help us move out from the shadow of shame.
Run the Experiment: Try New Things
With my newly gained knowledge about my recent relapse, I can apply this to future situations. If I recognize that loneliness encouraged my acting out in the past, I can be on alert for it, and I can work to address it in healthy ways. Maybe I can try attending a meeting or calling a fellow. Maybe I can try allowing my loneliness and meditate on it, feeling it in my body and allowing myself to cry. Maybe I can try a spiritual practice or maybe try moving my body in exercise. Maybe I can try going to the movies to get engulfed in someone else’s story. The options are truly endless! And one solution may not be the always-solution. In recovery, we are learning how to listen to our emotions and bodies and how to respond in healthy ways that make sense for the situation. We may not always get it right, and that’s okay. We are human. In order to learn, change, and grow, we have to “run the experiment” of trying new things and observe what helps.
The Gifts of Recovery
While the overarching goal of recovery is gaining sobriety, that is not all that recovery gives us. We gain so much more- beyond manageability of our lives, we gain joy and friendship. I used to think that without acting out, my life would be miserable. But the truth is that acting out never gave me any real happiness or freedom; I was stuck in survival mode. My addiction got me through some very tough times in my life. In that way, I am grateful for it, because it kept me alive. But now, things are different. I have outgrown my acting out; now, it only hurts me and keeps me stuck. And thankfully now, the choice is mine- I choose to act intentionally in the world, I choose to listen to my emotions and my body, I choose healthy behaviors, and I choose to “run the experiment” to discover what lies beyond the limits of my addiction. There is so much beauty and grace in the world if I only allow it in.