This question is not done with me; it keeps coming back again and again: “Can I find gratitude for this softening of my heart?”
Let me explain…
There’s a domineering side of myself that favors math and logic. I want the facts. I want things to make sense. I want to take emotion out of the equation. What’s True? What’s Real? What’s Important?
And then times come when I can’t help but feel, and to feel compelled toward decisions that I wouldn’t choose otherwise. And that part- the feeling, creative, spiritual part of myself- I’ve tried to quiet. I think I owe her an amends. I’m still learning that to feel is not a weakness. If I choose a path based upon how I feel, that’s just as valid a choice as any.
Having detoxed from all birth controls, I find my cycle affects me differently now. The side effects are more severe since my last bout of hormonal birth control. It totally sucks. The week before my period starts, I’m agitated- irritable, angry, moody, upset. In the past I’ve judged and shamed myself for these emotions. Because they’re not “real,” not based in any real issue or circumstance; it’s just hormones. Stupid hormones. But I keep thinking…
Can I find gratitude for this softening of my heart?
Because it is a kind of softening. I’m more susceptible to mood shifts. I have heightened responses to external circumstances. That is, I take less shit from people; I do not have the tact nor patience to deal with bullshit during that time of my cycle! And you know… it’s kind of a blessing. Even though it feels bad and uncomfortable and upsetting, it’s also a bit empowering. I’m more inclined to say, “absolutely not!” and it feels good. It sits right with my soul.
I recently decided to leave a job that’s brought me very little joy or satisfaction. If you ask my math-and-logic-is-safety part, it was such a brutal choice to make. It’s a great company, great pay, great benefits. But when I check in with my creative/spiritual part, the choice was simple; it was obvious. I’m now pursuing opportunities outside this laboratory-based career I’ve tried to build for myself over the past eight years. I’m choosing to chase joy. For me, at this time in my life anyway, joy lives in Movement. So maybe I’ll teach swimming or work in a yoga studio or do something artistic. I’m letting go of my obsession with money- I’m a millennial; we’re all poor! It’s okay. I’m fortunate enough to be financially comfortable even taking this kind of pay cut. My creative/spiritual part has been SO HUNGRY. It’s time I feed it. She deserves that.
When I stop fighting the softening- and opening- of my heart, I’m able to become curious and learn more about myself. I yearned as a child to “know who I am,” and it’s a funny thing I still wonder about. It’ll be a lifelong process getting to know myself. I’m able to learn a lot when I’m willing to explore all these different parts of myself, especially those creative parts that have been wanting to be unleashed for so very long. I’ve found the key (or, a key) to exploring what’s important to my soul. And yes, I am grateful. So, so grateful.