I recently watched Netflix’s Baby Reindeer, and I was not prepared for it. It’s a true story about a man who gets stalked by a serial stalker and how she affects his life. But what’s really fascinating is how we witness his life events pre-stalking– events which set him up to be the perfect victim for this deeply dysfunctional and illusioned woman. What happened to him? While chasing his dreams of being a comedian, a successful producer meets him; he begins to ‘mentor’ him, telling him how great and famous he’ll become, working on his comedy routines with him, working on projects together that never come to fruition, feeding him endless drugs, chasing some addict’s version of spirituality, and ultimately assaulting and raping him while he wanes in and out of consciousness while high. But not just once– multiple times.
For me, it highlights a truth about my own experiences that felt affirming to witness in someone else’s story: getting groomed is a devastatingly confusing experience where clarity of the situation sometimes comes but mostly goes. I think people who groom must be so deep in some kind of mental illness that I can’t understand, like an altered state of malevolent narcissism, maybe sociopathy. But enough about them; I’m talking about me.
I hate to remember it, but by now I know the only way ‘over’ is through. Going ‘through’ it (i.e. processing it) doesn’t mean I have to recount it verbally or in writing or xyz. I learned that a somatic approach is what provides me relief and comfort. I feel the experience in my body, I sit with the discomfort and pain, I let my body express however it needs (shaking, crying, rocking, yelling), and I trust my body to take me to the other side of it, because feelings are all temporary, and my body knows what to do.
And then, sometimes, I’m just left with anger and resentment. At him, at myself, at men, at society, at life. But that too passes. And it comes. And it passes…
Anger is not the enemy. Regret is not the enemy. My feelings are morally neutral and can be useful to me. These feelings help me fight for others.
Watching Baby Reindeer brought up so many emotions and helped provide me with further clarity about my own experience. Because too often I dismiss what’s happened. I wonder if I’m the crazy one, just too sensitive or too naive. Like, did he actually love me? Did he even realize what he was doing to me? Could he understand how he was abusing his position of power over me? In the show, Donny feels pulled back, time and time again, to his stalker who’s ruining his life and ultimately, back to the man who groomed him. I thought I was alone and insane because there’s been so many times I’ve wondered about reestablishing contact– to try to get answers or closure. But he can never provide me with that; I know that has to be true, because to engage with him again would only be detrimental to me and my well-being. I have to move forward, keeping the people who really care about me nearby.