Summary

2. Let go of the desire for perfection

Especially when working the steps. You will have many more opportunities to work the steps again; it will never be perfect, but you’ll learn something every time. Above all, be kind to yourself. You deserve gentleness and grace. 

5. Training the Wild Horse

Story: When training a wild horse, the horse is first kept on a very short rope. Once the wild horse is able to walk well in that tight circle, the rope can be extended. Over time, the rope gets longer and longer and the wild horse becomes tame. This is like recovery: in the beginning, we may need to keep ourselves on a very short rope (e.g. strictly limiting media, places we go, people we see, our own sexuality, etc.). As we grow and develop in recovery, we may be able to get some of these things back while other things we may just let go. 

6. Seek outside resources if needed

Many different things can aid your recovery, such as therapy, medication, meditation, yoga or other exercise, religious or spiritual practices, personal hobbies, engaging with the fellowship, etc. 

2. If you are working harder than your sponsee is, take a step back and assess.

You do not need to chase your sponsee. Sometimes people aren’t ready to fully commit, and it is not your job to convince them. When/if they return or re-engage, be there for them. 

3. Find your own method, approach, and attitude.

Different people need different kinds of sponsors. We don’t all have to operate the exact same way. 

4. Imposter Syndrome

From my experience, it’s normal to sometimes feel like I don’t know what I’m doing as a sponsor or how I’m supposed to help someone! I have struggles in recovery too; just because I’m a sponsor doesn’t mean that I have no problems or that I have it ‘all figured out.’ Sometimes being a good sponsor is demonstrating how we work through our own struggles. We can use our resources and be a good role model for others. We can be vulnerable and communicate about our issues and worries too. 

6. Your sponsee will likely relapse and that is okay.

Be a safe space for them. If they share with you that they’ve relapsed, thank them for sharing. Welcome them with love and acceptance. Validate their feelings. Provide tools. Reassure them that things will get better as they continue working the program. 

1. Talk about expectations

For example, communication frequency, availability to talk or meet in-person, what you want or need from the other person

2. Set some goals

Such as, completing your circles, how you’ll pace the working of the steps

3. Trust and honesty

…is necessary. Sponsees should get a sponsor with whom you feel comfortable opening up to. Sponsors- if you suspect that your sponsee is habitually lying to you, ask them about it; they may be dealing with overwhelming feelings of shame, distrust, and isolation. Be aware that forming trusting relationships for some individuals is extremely scary and difficult, especially for those who’ve experienced trauma. Be patient and supportive. 

4. Codependency

Familiarize yourself with the basics. Most of us have some codependent traits, and it’s very common for codependent traits to appear during the sponsorship process. 

5. Learning and feedback

Ask your sponsee: How do you learn? What kind of feedback do you respond well to?

6. Teaching and involvement

Ask your sponsor: How do you teach? Will you be available for the level of involvement that I desire?

1. It is okay to decide you want to try a different sponsor.

We are all individuals with different needs. Sometimes we struggle with a sponsor: Maybe they don’t teach us in a way we can understand or relate to. Maybe they’re not as available to meet as we need. Maybe their teaching/sponsorship style is different from what we find helpful. Maybe we discover we want a sponsor who shares certain key experiences with us. 

2. Sometimes sponsors struggle, too. 

We may wonder if we are a good fit for them. Maybe we don’t have the experience or tools to help them with their specific concerns. If you feel unqualified, talk to them about it. You can ask how they feel about your relationship and if they would rather find someone who has experience in those specific areas (e.g. childhood trauma, sexual assault, PT. SD, or any variety of things) or if they feel like their needs are currently being met by you. It’s very possible they do not want to lose you! Sometimes just supplementing the program with outside resources like individual therapy can bridge those gaps. 

3. If either person wants a change,

…please do not take it personally. There are countless reasons why they may feel this way, and it may have nothing to do with you. Carry on forward and take the Next Right Step. 

1. Create your circles

Read about circles in the Green Book. Talk with your sponsor about the specific behaviors you struggle with and have them help you create or review your circles. Your circles are not set in stone; things may move around as your recovery progresses. But do not shift around behaviors without talking to your sponsor first. 

2. Set up your Emergency Plan / Fire Drill

When you are triggered, refer to your Emergency Plan, and work on the activities listed. 

Some suggested items to include could be to call your sponsor, call a recovery friend, go to a meeting, read literature or spiritual texts, go for a walk or exercise, take a nap, eat if you’re hungry, etc.

3. Create your Daily Program

This will ground you in recovery. Recovery does not exist solely within the walls of a meeting. For recovery to work for me, it had to be all-encompassing in my life. It may sound overwhelming, and it is at first, but it has provided me with a sense of actual freedom and serenity in my life. 

Your Daily Program may include things such as: say a morning prayer, complete a gratitude journal, call one recovery friend, take a walk, have a one-hour phone/media break, read recovery literature for 15 minutes, complete a short meditation, and so on. 

4. Begin step work

Carefully start at Step 1! I recommend doing a written Step 1 which you will share with your sponsor and possibly with a group at a meeting or step workshop. BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF! Set a timer. Take breaks. Call your sponsor! Writing a First Step can be overwhelming for many reasons: it may fill us with shame, it may take us back to memories of trauma, and ***it is often triggering.*** Listen to your inner needs. We often feel our emotions in our bodies before we feel them in our minds; be aware of body sensations and TAKE A BREAK when you need one! Do not push yourself beyond your limits. Yes, it’s easier said than done. There will be bumps along the way. You will not do it perfectly. This will be a learning process. Reach out to others; YOU ARE NOT ALONE! 

5. Conduct Relapse Review as needed

If you relapse, tell your sponsor as soon as you are able to. It is okay. Most of us have relapsed since we first entered the program. It takes time and experience practicing self-awareness in order to be able to overcome a trigger to stay sober. A very important tool in this program is the Relapse Review. Complete this and share with your sponsor. 

6. On-going personal growth

Recovery extends beyond sex. For most of us, our addiction has affected us in many aspects of our lives: professionally, financially, in our relationships with others (friends, family, romantic partners), our physical health, our mental health, and more. In recovery, there is no ‘final’ goal; this is an on-going process. Improvements and benefits to our lives and well-being will continue and grow as we work at it.