My Homemade Spiritual Transformation: A Recipe

Sometimes I get asked about my own Spiritual Transformation. Sponsees have asked me, “how can it happen for me?”

With many recovery questions I often have some opinion and can talk for a while! But when I begin to analyze this “spiritual transformation,” I’m a bit at a loss. Maybe because the nature of it is spiritual and that can be hard to put into words. And there are countless ways to realize one’s own spiritual transformation. That is, the beginning of a transformation to the point where it starts to become recognizable- where the Promises begin to peek through the clouds of active addiction. Because my Spiritual Transformation is still in progress, and if I’m doing things right, it always will be.

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First, what is spirituality? What is it to be spiritual? What is a Higher Power?

I’d like to share a quote with you:

“A spirituality of imperfection suggests that the first prayer is a scream, a cry for help. … Our darkness– our sins, our doubts– is a thirst… for ‘God,’ for ‘the spiritual,’ for whatever might alleviate this painful side of the human condition, for whatever might somehow fill the empty hole in our human be-ing. We seek help for what we cannot face or accomplish alone; in seeking help, we accept and admit our own powerlessness. And in acceptance and admission, in the acknowledgement that we are not in control, spirituality is born. Spirituality begins in suffering … Because we are human beings, because we are not at each and every moment in ultimate control, we will suffer.” From The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham, pp. 20-21

When we work the very First Step, we are expressing our innate spirituality, because (1) we are admitting our own powerlessness and the suffering that we have experienced because of it, and (2) we are crying out for help. Before we’ve even needed to intellectually consider being spiritual, we are already spiritual in our actions and intent.

Spirituality is not bound by any religion. Spirituality exists within each and every one of us. There are countless ways to express one’s own spirituality. Here’s a quote I heard from our dear Mike C.:

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” -Pierre Telihard de Chardin

While discussing spirituality with a friend, he said: 

“Being spiritual is connecting to your Higher Power, and your Higher Power is something bigger than yourself so being spiritual is whatever path you take to feel connected to something bigger than yourself. For example, Compassion may be held as one’s Higher Power, and being spiritual is tapping into that sense of compassion.” -John T.

One’s Higher Power can be whatever works for them.

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So What is a Spiritual Transformation?

My addiction is not the enemy. My addiction is a survival tactic that I have out-grown. My addiction is a part of me. I do not need to hate my addiction. I can use my addiction to learn more about myself. My triggers can provide insight into my feelings and needs.

“…the ultimate bane of all spirituality, conceit– the self-centeredness that claims absolute self-sufficiency, the pride that denies all need… Those ancient hermit-monks… sought to confront temptation in a setting where they could recognize it for what it is. They viewed temptation as their most valuable tool, for by observing their desires, they came to know themselves. Far from longing for freedom from their passions, these hermits used– even courted– temptation as a source of essential energy. The ascetic’s gravest danger was always recognized to be acedia– the boredom and self-pity that flourished when temptation disappeared.” –The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham, pp. 52-53

My addiction spiraled me into a state of continual Self-Pity. Self-Pity cuts me off from accessing my spiritual nature. My Spiritual Transformation required a shift from self-pity to gratitude.

“What really lies outside the ascetic life is not lust itself but despair, the proud attitude which denies the possibility of forgiveness… It is not judgement or discussion of sins, excuses, or understanding of alleviating circumstances that break the heart, but mercy and love.” -Benedicta Ward, Harlots of the Desert: A Study of Repentance in Early Monastic Sources, p. 87

I believed I was beyond forgiveness. I thought I was the worst of the worst, lower than low. I thought I deserved pain and suffering. I thought the only thing I was good for in life was sex. I came to realize that this belief that I am literally The Worst, is prideful. Wow! I believe that others deserve grace and forgiveness, so what makes me so special that I do not? I am not that special! And indeed that realization broke my heart– that grace and forgiveness is available to me, and I just need to humbly accept it. I do not have to continually self-harm in my active addiction. I deserve better. I deserve health and sobriety. A future exists for me where I can experience joy and act in ways which align with my values.

“Addiction keeps a person in touch with the god… At the very point of the vulnerability is where the surrender takes place– that is where the god enters. The god comes through the wound.” -Marion Woodman, “Worshipping Illusions,” Parabola 12:2 (May 1987), p. 64

My addiction has brought me closer to my own spirituality than I ever thought possible.

“The nearer we draw to God, the more we should see ourselves as being one with every sinner.” -Evagrius Ponticus

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To expand on point number two, “I am whole”:

We often divide ourselves into halves: the head versus the heart, and so on.

In experiencing my own sexual trauma, I separated my mind from my body. I retained that disconnection for a long time in life because it felt safe. That disconnect, like my addiction, served a purpose for some time. I do not label it as ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ However, from my personal experience, from a combination of therapy and countless yoga classes, I began to reconnect to my body. And what a joy! I felt complete and powerful in my earthly container. I couldn’t even remember having ever felt that before. I felt connected to my long-neglected body and therefore connected to myself.

The Spirituality of Imperfection talks about living in extremes versus living in balance:

“To think in such terms– to teeter at the extremes of self-love and self-loathing, to pursue perfection because we despise our imperfections– is to find neither satisfaction in successes nor wisdom in failures. Life becomes a constant battle, a never-ending struggle to get somewhere, to achieve something, to produce something. Having split our world (and our selves) into either-or dualisms– god or beasts, angel or devil, right or wrong, left or right, good or evil, up or down– we lack all sense of balance. We tend to sway precariously on the teeter-totter of life, running from one extreme to the other, missing the point that the only stable place to be is in the mixed-up middle. In reality, that is the only place we can be. … We learn to accept that we are neither angel nor beast, for we are both.” –The Spirituality of Imperfection, p. 59

“Our two-sidedness, our being both/and rather than either-or, means that we may be distinguishable, but we are not divisible. To be ‘mixed’ is not to be divided; a stew is not a salad bar. The head and the heart are not only connected, but if we are to live a spiritual life, that essential connection must be nurtured and protected. How can we discover wholeness if we persist in dividing ourselves up into conflicting parts?” –The Spirituality of Imperfection, p. 73

For to be human is, after all, to be other than ‘God.’ And so it is only in the embracing of our torn self, only in acceptance that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with feeling ‘torn,’ that one can hope for whatever healing is available and can thus become as ‘whole’ as possible. Only those who know darkness can truly appreciate light; only those who acknowledge darkness can even see the light.” –The Spirituality of Imperfection, p. 61

From all of this wisdom, 

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The Recipe

I’ve created a recipe for Spiritual Transformation. It is by no means original. It’s been handed down to me from generations of other recovering addicts. It’s been shaped and molded, and it is still changing and evolving. I can’t promise it’ll work for you. Maybe your oven runs hot so you should bake it for less time or maybe you’re operating at a higher elevation and need extra flour. You’ll have to play around with it and find what works for you.

Skye’s Homemade Spiritual Transformation

Yield: 1 sharable portion of Spiritual Transformation

Prep Time: All the moments/weeks/years spent in active addiction

Total Time: 1 lifetime

Simple, right? Well, I’ve probably forgotten a few ingredients. But you can add and subtract whatever you want for your own recipe. Applicable ingredients include anything from your ever-expanding Outer Circle.

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Side note: This was a talk I gave in April 2022. The majority of my quotes come from The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham. This book saved my life. If you are struggling with understanding and/or developing a sense of spirituality, I highly recommend giving it a read! Time well spent. XOXO