Progress looks… messy. Backwards, forwards, which way is up? I’ll just tumble around for a little while until I figure it out.
I have exceptionally vivid dreams which can be awesome or utterly terrifying.
I dreamed that my mom added a bunch of her friends to a group chat with me and my daughter’s adoptive parents. It was ridiculous. So I told my mom, “umm, no, I’m removing a bunch of people. This cannot be a thing.” What a great display of boundaries in the dream realm! Good job, me! That’s codependency recovery progress.
And within the same dream, I dreamed that I was residing with two truly evil forces. One was a woman who mostly appeared as Medusa and sometimes appeared as an orange-and-white cat or a red-haired woman. The other presence was a man who mostly appeared as-handsome-as-can-be and sometimes appeared as a towering, spindly, almost insect-limbed man.
The woman in Medusa form would spend the nights crying in her room, and when I stood in her presence, I felt pure terror through my whole body so much that I had trouble speaking. I asked her, “Why am I afraid of you?” and “What do you want?” She had trouble answering those questions but I learned that she cried because her hair turned to snakes at night and she couldn’t control it. I told her it would be okay and that she was beautiful. When she sometimes took cat form during the day I would caress her and she enjoyed that.
The evil man I first knew as handsome and I loved him. I wanted to be near him all the time. I was obsessed. And then at some point I discovered his true form and his inherent evil. I was scared. He would tower above me as I slept, and I was sure he would kill me. There was no safe place; I couldn’t get away. And so I seduced him. I got closer to him, I expressed my love and desire for him, I would pull him close, and I told him I would help him accomplish whatever it was he wanted to do. He responded well to that, and I was safe. Safety was all I wanted– above honesty, freedom, and even the safety of others.
Here it feels as though my sexual addiction recovery has taken a step backwards. In my waking life, I would love for someone to try me so that I have a reason to release all the rage my body and soul carries for all the men who’ve raped and abused me throughout my life. I have no doubt I am capable of murder; I worry that I could enjoy it if I feel it is justified. And, at the same time, I dreamed last night of Safety. The trauma is still in my bones. I still have the instinct to play along until it is safe for me to escape. If I choose to fight in the moment, I could die. I want to survive.
I don’t think this dream shows backwards progress. I think it highlights some important truths that I need to remember. Especially that I am strong, resilient, and a survivor. It shows me that in the past, during trauma, I was not weak or stupid. I was preserving my own life. To this day, I want to preserve my own life. That is biological. There is an Arabic saying: “You want to die? Then throw yourself into the sea and you’ll see yourself fighting to survive.” I survived my past by playing along, and there is no shame in that. If it happened again today– with all my recovery– I might still play along until I was safe enough to escape. Because I value my life. Because I am resilient and strong.
Maybe I am, or was, the Medusa woman. Crying at night because she has no control. Feeling evil and ugly herself because she exists alongside an evil man. Taking different forms at different times. Still able to express vulnerability (with a small size and soft belly) when I feel that I am with someone who is safe, someone who truly sees me and finds me beautiful and worthwhile. Maybe we are all the Medusa woman.
I meet Medusa in meetings all the time. She feels crazy, evil, unloveable, ugly, despairing. I can see how she mourns and that she doesn’t want to hurt anyone. And because I’ve sat in her chair, I can see her beauty, her depth, and her goodness. I immediately love her.